It's the perfect trap...
How do you escape a dysfunctional pattern when you’ve been rewarded for it over and over?
How do you put something down that’s become such a source of validation and identity, that you don’t quite know who you’d be without it?
Of course, I’m talking about the most socially acceptable coping strategy in our modern consumerist world…
Success.
Achievement.
Striving.
And the kicker with this one, is that unless you see these women like I do, it doesn’t SEEM like a problem…
You see; The award winning lawyer with a growing firm she founded herself? … What a go getter!
I see; A woman over-identified with her results, yearning for a healthy relationship but unable to make space in her life for what she says she wants. She’s actually quite anxious and full of self doubt, but she’s throwing herself into her business because when she slows down she has to feel things she can’t be with.
You see; The savvy marketer going from strength to strength in her career in corporate America. 👏🏻 👏🏻 👏🏻
I see; A young woman who hasn’t stopped since college to truly figure out what she wants from life. She keeps climbing the ladder because she’s being celebrated and rewarded for her ability and success, and she doesn’t see a way out. Deep down she knows it’s not aligned.
You see; The young psychiatrist and concert saxophonist – she’s already achieved so much in her life!
I see; A burnt out woman who hates the hospital system she works inside of, and yearns to serve her patients in a more holistic way. She feels bound to her career because of the money…plus, what would people think if she changed course now?? She’s always looked like she’s had it all handled despite how she feels inside.
It’s easy in today’s world to pour yourself into the pursuit of success. And the world loves you for it.
What we’re celebrated for less, is uncertainty, vulnerability, indecision, mistakes… and it’s a slippery slope to begin to avoid those messy, imperfect elements of your humanity in favour of focusing on the wins.
I call this The White Citadel Trap.
The White Citadel represents outward success – achievement, leadership, wealth, impact…
But it’s only ONE area on the map that makes up the whole woman you are.
And when you make your achievements your whole identity – because the other stuff is just too painful and messy – you’re caught.
If you’re in The White Citadel Trap, your life likely looks impressive on paper, but there’s an emptiness underneath that no amount of achievement has been able to quench.
This can be a scary thing to acknowledge, but if you’re ever going to have a life that feels as good as it looks, it’s the essential first step.
The White Citadel Trap is one of six survival mode patterns I see driven women trapped in.
Discover your dominant survival pattern – and what to do about it – with my new free diagnostic, The Survival Mode Decoder for High-Functioning Women.
The decoder is a custom GPT trained in my material – you need to be signed into your chatGPT account to use it.
